Depression. That is what they call my mental disorder. To be more specific, teenage depression.
My age is 19, And including yesterday's, it was the seventh time I consulted a psychiatrist in the last 8 months or so. I don’t understand why my father insists to consult a doctor again and again. He always gives me the same speech and prescribes me the same medicines. One thing which worries my father, according to him, is that I am not able to concentrate on my studies. In fact, I was not able to concentrate on anything. I never felt the need of giving concentration to anything. Without that also I have lived for long 19 years. To be frank, I don’t feel like living this boring life also…I mean, I am not able to enjoy anything.
“That…exactly is the primary symptom of depression”, was what my doctor said when I told the same to him .
“Try to find the beauty of life…Don't try to be a machine, which does the same thing everyday…Don’t try to think about complicated things like why we are born? Why we die? Why we live our lives with lots of struggle? and all. Try to be simpler”…He had told me yesterday. I kept keenly listening to him and pretended to give him a feeling that he is doing an entirely good job. At least he was satisfied with his so-called “speech”.
Now I am sitting in the railway station, waiting for my train which should have reached here 2 hours ago, if it were on time. I am a first semester B.tech student and my college is in Bangalore. Time is now 9:00 PM. It will take at least 1 more hour for the train to reach here. I will continue sitting on this platform bench….what to do? I wonder what people do for killing time during this kind of situation…Is this, the life which I need to enjoy..? “Beauty of life”- Pathetic. If I had my doctor now in my proximity, I would have slapped him at least five times.
I continued sitting there on the same bench…I started observing people, just to know how they kill their time, or may be because my doctor had told me yesterday to do so. I saw some people sitting and reading books. May be their doctors have asked them to do so…Otherwise, I don’t have a reason for why people read books to kill their time!!!
I saw some of the guys of my same age sitting with girls and happily killing time talking with them…Some of them would be friends and some of them would be in love…But, I dint have any one…I always wanted to have a girl friend…I never had an opportunity to have one.
“Do you have a girl friend…?” My doctor had asked me Yesterday.
“No” I told.
“Why?” He asked…and I had kept silence…I dint know the answer…
May be I should have one!!!
“All your problems will be sorted out, if you have a girl friend...Belive me!!!” Yesterday he had told, and today I am repeating those words myself.
But how to get a girl for me? But how to…..?
I closed my eyes…started thinking about it…Anyone…Anyone is ok…But I dint know many…I learned in a “boys only” school and college.
A thought..to be more specific, a weird idea came to my mind…
“The next girl I see when I open my eyes will be my girl friend.”
I slowly opened my eyes… oh god……!!!
I saw a girl walking towards my seat…she was wearing a white top and blue skirt…She had a small vanity bag in her right hand. She was pulling a trolley bag, which seemed very heavy for her!!! She was slim and slender…her black hair, which was flowing over her beautiful eyes, was disturbing her vision. Both her hands were occupied and so it was difficult for her to arrange her hair properly. It disturbed her more, but I loved it…
At that moment, I decided. She is my girl !!!
She came and sat on the other end of the bench…She kept the trolley bag on the floor and the small bag on her lap…I noticed a small smile on her face. I started to have a sweet pain inside my stomach…
I wanted to talk to her, but I was sure, sound will not come out of me…So I kept silent!!!
She took her mobile phone from her bag. She flip opened it and called someone.
“Hello Dad…I reached the station…Train is still late. Another half an hour…”
Her voice was so sweet…and I wanted to hear it more and more…
I felt a drop of sweat on my face…What’s happening to me..???
Is she traveling in the same train as mine?
I kept watching her through the corner of my eye…Half an hour passed.
The announcement came that my train is reaching the station!!!
She became concerned and stood up on her feet. I sat there.
She moved near the track and stood there…Thank god!!! She is traveling in the same train!!!
After some time, when the train reached the platform, I stood up. A huge crowd came out of the train and then she got inside…With much difficulty she pulled her trolley bag inside. S7…that was her compartment!!!
Mine was S6..But I got inside S7….
Within 5 minutes, the train started moving again…
People had started sleeping inside the train and there was only a dim light in the compartment…
I stood near the door…I could still see her, lying on the middle birth…She started sleeping immediately and I stood there itself…watching her!!!
Time ran faster than the train…Morning light flashed in my eyes… I had slept for some time sitting on the door steps … I again checked whether she was still there or not…
She was still sleeping…
I checked the time…It was 6:45 AM…Morning breeze had a chill… I saw the red sun at the Horizon… there was a light fog in the air…The land was green…Beautiful!!!
I checked for her again…She had woken up.
She was arranging her hair with a comb…She was looking like an angel in that red light…Gentle breeze was disturbing her hair…Life is indeed beautiful…My doctor was right!!!
Time passed…The train reached the Bangalore station.
She got down there…I also got down.
She started walking towards the bus station and I followed her.
Bus number 335…That is the bus I should get in…It comes in platform number 17, but I went to platform number 8 , because she went there.
One Red Volvo bus came and I saw her, getting inside the bus....I didn't know what the bus number was!!!
Just when she was about to enter in to the bus….I saw a lean guy standing near to her unzipping her vanity bag and taking her wallet out of it… Happened in a fraction of a second!!!
She dint know about it and got inside the bus…. I stood there like a statue!!!
I was totally blank…I did not know what to do. I saw that guy slipping away from the crowd and keeping that wallet inside some remote “under ground “ storage inside his shirt!!!
Purely out of instinct, I started following him… I was sure that he did not see me watching the whole drama. Here I was chasing a robber in the heavy traffic streets of Bangalore!!!
He was very swift…He was not running, but was walking in a very brisk pace. I don’t know why, but I started thinking about one of the athletic items in Olympics. Marathon Walking!!!
At last he stopped in front of a small fruit shop. I just walked towards the shop, just like any other pedestrian; and stood in front of the shop, checking the fruits!!!
“One Kings…” His sound was very feeble and he was breathing like a dog. The shopkeeper took a cigarette from somewhere and gave it to that guy. The shop keeper looked at me and his looks were expecting me to say something….
“One Banana”.. I told out of nowhere…Good going detective…keep it up!!!
I had no plans in my mind…how to get back that wallet?, but it was high time that I started planning for that.
That guy started smoking and I saw him enjoying his smoke…He must be satisfied of today's work!!!
The shopkeeper plucked a banana out from the bunch and gave it to me… I peeled it and was about to take the first bite!!! Something was pulling my pants and I suddenly got scared. Bangalore was very notorious for stray dogs and I suddenly picturized myself in a hospital bed with countless injections around my naval for a stray dog bite!!!
I screamed and shuffled…to see a small girl pulling on my pants with her hands outstretched…She was looking intensely on my banana and carelessly saying….”Please give me something to eat.. I am very hungry!!!
I looked in to her eyes…Her left eye was sore and tears had formed scales on her cheek…I just gave that banana to her…She smiled like an angel…which I felt was the most beautiful thing in this whole world!!!
“YOU..PUBLIC SMOKER” That was a rough hard sound and it pierced in to my head… I turned around to see the pick-pocket standing there frozen, with a hand holding his shirt’s color!!!
A police had caught him for public smoking… It could not be even better. My plans suddenly started to materialize inside my brain!!!
The police man looked at me and stared at my hand to make sure that, I was not giving him company for public smoking.
“Public smoking is a big offence beta… and you will have to pay a fine of Rs.500 for it…” the policeman roared in to that lean guy’s ears…he was trembling in the police man’s hands. I was just praying that the cop will soon find that wallet from him!!!
“What’s your name …..?” The cop asked.
“Shamir……” the pick-pocket told!!!
“Working or studying…..?”
“Studying….”
“Where…..?”
“J D B engineering College….TilakNagar”
I could not believe my ears…that was my college!!!
“Show me your ID card….” The cop became more furious and he ordered!!!
He took his ID card from the back pocket of his pant!!!
“First Semester…B.Tech…Electronics Dept” Cop read out loudly, so that the whole street could hear it… I just stood there numb!!! He was in my same class!!! I had never seen him…Not a surprise… I hardly knew 4 or 5 students from my class and none of them were my friends.. I mean, I did not have any friends!!! But how come this guy never recognized me? No Surprise again…I was never famous in the class!!!
The cop frisked the guy suddenly and he felt the wallet, my girl’s wallet, in that same remote “under ground storage” of his shirt’s pocket…In a second he took it out!!!
It was a pink wallet and was too obvious that it was not his!!!
“Whose is this…?” the cop raised his pitch and asked…
He dint answer and kept silent…I wanted to answer, because I knew the answer!!!
Suddenly, I thought about the buzzer round of quiz competitions which used to happen in T.V…How stupid!!!
“TAAAAPPPP”… One Powerful slap on Shamir’s face by the cop!!! That sound bought me back from the television quiz program to the real world…Blood started coming out of his nose and his eyes turned red!!!
I just kept a step back!!!
“You flicked it from somewhere….?” The cop shouted at him.
He opened the wallet…took all the cash inside it and started counting it.. I counted along with him. One Thousand three hundred and forty rupees only!!!
The cop took the cash and kept in his shirt pocket and threw the wallet on the road. One more tight slap on Shamir’s face and said-“ Never ever do public smoking….”.
The cop turned around and started walking!!!
Shamir sat down there on the floor with his hands covering his face…A liquid which was a combination of tears and blood was flowing out between his fingers…
Then suddenly I saw that little beggar girl running towards that wallet to pick it from the road….
She took the wallet in her hands and stood there on the road for another two more seconds…Suddenly a car which took an immediate turn came straight towards that girl…the girl saw the car and tried to run out of the road…The driver took a sharp steering towards left and pushed the brakes…, but in the very last moment, the car hit the girl and she was on the ground!!!
The car stopped!!! What was happening….????? I was feeling sick……!!!!
I ran towards the little girl and took her on my hands…She was unconscious!!! Her face was covered with blood and I could not exactly find where it was wounded!!! I made a crying sound deep down from my stomach which was very awkward and loud!!!
I put her on my shoulders and ran towards the car…I opened the rear door sat inside the car in a second…
The car started moving and I saw Shamir staring at me….
*************************************************************************
Here I was…inside a car moving in the pace of an ambulance, with a stranger, a sweet little girl, on my lap struggling for her life…
Almost 48 hours back, I was in a same state as of this little girl….
I had tried to commit suicide…out of Depression!!!
I had cut my wrist veins…Just a scratch on my left wrist by a shaving blade….
I was lying on my Mother’s lap and my father was driving the car…My mother was weeping all the way to the hospital and I was staring at the head lights coming from the opposite side…It was like magic!!!
I looked at the little girl’s face…Her hands still had my girl’s wallet.. I took the wallet in my hands and held close to my chest….
Since childhood, for the first time in my life, I felt like crying…Tears started rolling down on my cheeks…
For first time in my life, I felt the happiness of being alive!!!
“Life is very beautiful….Enjoy it….” My doctor had told many a times before, and for the first time in my life, I felt respect for him!!!
The last 48 hours of my life rolled in front of my eyes like a slide show….
That day I had seen a Sunrise and felt its Beauty for the first time…That day I saw a little girl smiling and felt its beauty for the first time…That day I was holding a Girl’s wallet near to my heart and enjoying its beauty for the first time…Indeed Life is beautiful. All it matters is…How you see your life!!!
I had to live more…At least for another day, because I now had a lot of questions in my life to be answered…
1. What will happen to this little girl?
2. Why was Shamir a Pick-Pocket…May be he is a “Deppressionist”?
3. Who is that cop and why was he so… unfair?
….and most importantly….
4. Will be there an address card of my dream girl inside this wallet?
******************************************************************************
My age is 19, And including yesterday's, it was the seventh time I consulted a psychiatrist in the last 8 months or so. I don’t understand why my father insists to consult a doctor again and again. He always gives me the same speech and prescribes me the same medicines. One thing which worries my father, according to him, is that I am not able to concentrate on my studies. In fact, I was not able to concentrate on anything. I never felt the need of giving concentration to anything. Without that also I have lived for long 19 years. To be frank, I don’t feel like living this boring life also…I mean, I am not able to enjoy anything.
“That…exactly is the primary symptom of depression”, was what my doctor said when I told the same to him .
“Try to find the beauty of life…Don't try to be a machine, which does the same thing everyday…Don’t try to think about complicated things like why we are born? Why we die? Why we live our lives with lots of struggle? and all. Try to be simpler”…He had told me yesterday. I kept keenly listening to him and pretended to give him a feeling that he is doing an entirely good job. At least he was satisfied with his so-called “speech”.
Now I am sitting in the railway station, waiting for my train which should have reached here 2 hours ago, if it were on time. I am a first semester B.tech student and my college is in Bangalore. Time is now 9:00 PM. It will take at least 1 more hour for the train to reach here. I will continue sitting on this platform bench….what to do? I wonder what people do for killing time during this kind of situation…Is this, the life which I need to enjoy..? “Beauty of life”- Pathetic. If I had my doctor now in my proximity, I would have slapped him at least five times.
I continued sitting there on the same bench…I started observing people, just to know how they kill their time, or may be because my doctor had told me yesterday to do so. I saw some people sitting and reading books. May be their doctors have asked them to do so…Otherwise, I don’t have a reason for why people read books to kill their time!!!
I saw some of the guys of my same age sitting with girls and happily killing time talking with them…Some of them would be friends and some of them would be in love…But, I dint have any one…I always wanted to have a girl friend…I never had an opportunity to have one.
“Do you have a girl friend…?” My doctor had asked me Yesterday.
“No” I told.
“Why?” He asked…and I had kept silence…I dint know the answer…
May be I should have one!!!
“All your problems will be sorted out, if you have a girl friend...Belive me!!!” Yesterday he had told, and today I am repeating those words myself.
But how to get a girl for me? But how to…..?
I closed my eyes…started thinking about it…Anyone…Anyone is ok…But I dint know many…I learned in a “boys only” school and college.
A thought..to be more specific, a weird idea came to my mind…
“The next girl I see when I open my eyes will be my girl friend.”
I slowly opened my eyes… oh god……!!!
I saw a girl walking towards my seat…she was wearing a white top and blue skirt…She had a small vanity bag in her right hand. She was pulling a trolley bag, which seemed very heavy for her!!! She was slim and slender…her black hair, which was flowing over her beautiful eyes, was disturbing her vision. Both her hands were occupied and so it was difficult for her to arrange her hair properly. It disturbed her more, but I loved it…
At that moment, I decided. She is my girl !!!
She came and sat on the other end of the bench…She kept the trolley bag on the floor and the small bag on her lap…I noticed a small smile on her face. I started to have a sweet pain inside my stomach…
I wanted to talk to her, but I was sure, sound will not come out of me…So I kept silent!!!
She took her mobile phone from her bag. She flip opened it and called someone.
“Hello Dad…I reached the station…Train is still late. Another half an hour…”
Her voice was so sweet…and I wanted to hear it more and more…
I felt a drop of sweat on my face…What’s happening to me..???
Is she traveling in the same train as mine?
I kept watching her through the corner of my eye…Half an hour passed.
The announcement came that my train is reaching the station!!!
She became concerned and stood up on her feet. I sat there.
She moved near the track and stood there…Thank god!!! She is traveling in the same train!!!
After some time, when the train reached the platform, I stood up. A huge crowd came out of the train and then she got inside…With much difficulty she pulled her trolley bag inside. S7…that was her compartment!!!
Mine was S6..But I got inside S7….
Within 5 minutes, the train started moving again…
People had started sleeping inside the train and there was only a dim light in the compartment…
I stood near the door…I could still see her, lying on the middle birth…She started sleeping immediately and I stood there itself…watching her!!!
Time ran faster than the train…Morning light flashed in my eyes… I had slept for some time sitting on the door steps … I again checked whether she was still there or not…
She was still sleeping…
I checked the time…It was 6:45 AM…Morning breeze had a chill… I saw the red sun at the Horizon… there was a light fog in the air…The land was green…Beautiful!!!
I checked for her again…She had woken up.
She was arranging her hair with a comb…She was looking like an angel in that red light…Gentle breeze was disturbing her hair…Life is indeed beautiful…My doctor was right!!!
Time passed…The train reached the Bangalore station.
She got down there…I also got down.
She started walking towards the bus station and I followed her.
Bus number 335…That is the bus I should get in…It comes in platform number 17, but I went to platform number 8 , because she went there.
One Red Volvo bus came and I saw her, getting inside the bus....I didn't know what the bus number was!!!
Just when she was about to enter in to the bus….I saw a lean guy standing near to her unzipping her vanity bag and taking her wallet out of it… Happened in a fraction of a second!!!
She dint know about it and got inside the bus…. I stood there like a statue!!!
I was totally blank…I did not know what to do. I saw that guy slipping away from the crowd and keeping that wallet inside some remote “under ground “ storage inside his shirt!!!
Purely out of instinct, I started following him… I was sure that he did not see me watching the whole drama. Here I was chasing a robber in the heavy traffic streets of Bangalore!!!
He was very swift…He was not running, but was walking in a very brisk pace. I don’t know why, but I started thinking about one of the athletic items in Olympics. Marathon Walking!!!
At last he stopped in front of a small fruit shop. I just walked towards the shop, just like any other pedestrian; and stood in front of the shop, checking the fruits!!!
“One Kings…” His sound was very feeble and he was breathing like a dog. The shopkeeper took a cigarette from somewhere and gave it to that guy. The shop keeper looked at me and his looks were expecting me to say something….
“One Banana”.. I told out of nowhere…Good going detective…keep it up!!!
I had no plans in my mind…how to get back that wallet?, but it was high time that I started planning for that.
That guy started smoking and I saw him enjoying his smoke…He must be satisfied of today's work!!!
The shopkeeper plucked a banana out from the bunch and gave it to me… I peeled it and was about to take the first bite!!! Something was pulling my pants and I suddenly got scared. Bangalore was very notorious for stray dogs and I suddenly picturized myself in a hospital bed with countless injections around my naval for a stray dog bite!!!
I screamed and shuffled…to see a small girl pulling on my pants with her hands outstretched…She was looking intensely on my banana and carelessly saying….”Please give me something to eat.. I am very hungry!!!
I looked in to her eyes…Her left eye was sore and tears had formed scales on her cheek…I just gave that banana to her…She smiled like an angel…which I felt was the most beautiful thing in this whole world!!!
“YOU..PUBLIC SMOKER” That was a rough hard sound and it pierced in to my head… I turned around to see the pick-pocket standing there frozen, with a hand holding his shirt’s color!!!
A police had caught him for public smoking… It could not be even better. My plans suddenly started to materialize inside my brain!!!
The police man looked at me and stared at my hand to make sure that, I was not giving him company for public smoking.
“Public smoking is a big offence beta… and you will have to pay a fine of Rs.500 for it…” the policeman roared in to that lean guy’s ears…he was trembling in the police man’s hands. I was just praying that the cop will soon find that wallet from him!!!
“What’s your name …..?” The cop asked.
“Shamir……” the pick-pocket told!!!
“Working or studying…..?”
“Studying….”
“Where…..?”
“J D B engineering College….TilakNagar”
I could not believe my ears…that was my college!!!
“Show me your ID card….” The cop became more furious and he ordered!!!
He took his ID card from the back pocket of his pant!!!
“First Semester…B.Tech…Electronics Dept” Cop read out loudly, so that the whole street could hear it… I just stood there numb!!! He was in my same class!!! I had never seen him…Not a surprise… I hardly knew 4 or 5 students from my class and none of them were my friends.. I mean, I did not have any friends!!! But how come this guy never recognized me? No Surprise again…I was never famous in the class!!!
The cop frisked the guy suddenly and he felt the wallet, my girl’s wallet, in that same remote “under ground storage” of his shirt’s pocket…In a second he took it out!!!
It was a pink wallet and was too obvious that it was not his!!!
“Whose is this…?” the cop raised his pitch and asked…
He dint answer and kept silent…I wanted to answer, because I knew the answer!!!
Suddenly, I thought about the buzzer round of quiz competitions which used to happen in T.V…How stupid!!!
“TAAAAPPPP”… One Powerful slap on Shamir’s face by the cop!!! That sound bought me back from the television quiz program to the real world…Blood started coming out of his nose and his eyes turned red!!!
I just kept a step back!!!
“You flicked it from somewhere….?” The cop shouted at him.
He opened the wallet…took all the cash inside it and started counting it.. I counted along with him. One Thousand three hundred and forty rupees only!!!
The cop took the cash and kept in his shirt pocket and threw the wallet on the road. One more tight slap on Shamir’s face and said-“ Never ever do public smoking….”.
The cop turned around and started walking!!!
Shamir sat down there on the floor with his hands covering his face…A liquid which was a combination of tears and blood was flowing out between his fingers…
Then suddenly I saw that little beggar girl running towards that wallet to pick it from the road….
She took the wallet in her hands and stood there on the road for another two more seconds…Suddenly a car which took an immediate turn came straight towards that girl…the girl saw the car and tried to run out of the road…The driver took a sharp steering towards left and pushed the brakes…, but in the very last moment, the car hit the girl and she was on the ground!!!
The car stopped!!! What was happening….????? I was feeling sick……!!!!
I ran towards the little girl and took her on my hands…She was unconscious!!! Her face was covered with blood and I could not exactly find where it was wounded!!! I made a crying sound deep down from my stomach which was very awkward and loud!!!
I put her on my shoulders and ran towards the car…I opened the rear door sat inside the car in a second…
The car started moving and I saw Shamir staring at me….
*************************************************************************
Here I was…inside a car moving in the pace of an ambulance, with a stranger, a sweet little girl, on my lap struggling for her life…
Almost 48 hours back, I was in a same state as of this little girl….
I had tried to commit suicide…out of Depression!!!
I had cut my wrist veins…Just a scratch on my left wrist by a shaving blade….
I was lying on my Mother’s lap and my father was driving the car…My mother was weeping all the way to the hospital and I was staring at the head lights coming from the opposite side…It was like magic!!!
I looked at the little girl’s face…Her hands still had my girl’s wallet.. I took the wallet in my hands and held close to my chest….
Since childhood, for the first time in my life, I felt like crying…Tears started rolling down on my cheeks…
For first time in my life, I felt the happiness of being alive!!!
“Life is very beautiful….Enjoy it….” My doctor had told many a times before, and for the first time in my life, I felt respect for him!!!
The last 48 hours of my life rolled in front of my eyes like a slide show….
That day I had seen a Sunrise and felt its Beauty for the first time…That day I saw a little girl smiling and felt its beauty for the first time…That day I was holding a Girl’s wallet near to my heart and enjoying its beauty for the first time…Indeed Life is beautiful. All it matters is…How you see your life!!!
I had to live more…At least for another day, because I now had a lot of questions in my life to be answered…
1. What will happen to this little girl?
2. Why was Shamir a Pick-Pocket…May be he is a “Deppressionist”?
3. Who is that cop and why was he so… unfair?
….and most importantly….
4. Will be there an address card of my dream girl inside this wallet?
******************************************************************************
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